How to Help a Friend or Relative
Survivors who are abused may tell a friend or relative first. It is important you know what to do, and equally important for you to take care of yourself.
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, gender, education, or socioeconomic status. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.
Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life – therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society’s next generation of victims and abusers.
A Caring Mentality
Before you get involved, make sure you’ve given the decision plenty of thought. Your success is also not connected to whether or not the survivor leaves the abusive partner.
Accept that there are limitations in what you can do. You can be supportive but your friend/relative must make his, her, or their own decision.
Helping a Survivor
Help the survivor to establish a positive sense of assertive behaviors by understanding that he, she, or they has a right:
- Not to be abused
- To have anger over past abuse
- To choose to change their situation
- To freedom from fear of abuse
- To request and expect assistance from police and social agencies
- To want a better role model of communication for their children
- To be treated like an adult
- To leave the battering environment
- To privacy
- To express their own thoughts and feelings
- To develop their individual skills and abilities
- To prosecute their abuser
- Not to be perfect
What Else Should I Know?
- The most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave their abuser.
- South Carolina has one of the highest rates in the U.S. of women killed by men.
- Survivors may abuse alcohol or other drugs to self-medicate due to physical and emotional pain.
- Domestic violence is a leading indicator that child abuse is happening in the home.
- More than 3 million children witness acts of domestic violence every year.
- According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, on average nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. This equates to more than 10 million people per year.
- Over 84% of Native American women experience violence during their lifetime.
- Due to systemic racism, racist policies and racist societal structures, both Black women and Black men experience intimate partner violence at a disproportionally high rate.
- Rural communities are more likely to adhere to traditional gender roles in which family cohesion is the highest value over the safety of the victim.
- Domestic violence is not limited to heterosexual relationships and can affect individuals of all sexual orientations and genders.
- Within the LGBTQ+ community, intimate partner violence occurs at a rate equal to or even higher than that of the heterosexual community.
What Can A Friend or Family Member Do To Help?
An advocate is someone who will listen to survivors, validate their experiences, and help them decide what they want to do. A friend or family member can be an advocate, but she/he/they needs to be careful not to tell the survivor what to do. The survivor is often confused, fearful, stressed and ambivalent. Having you as a supporting anchor can make a significant difference.
What Helps and What Hurts?
What Helps:
- Hearing, “No one deserves to be abused,” “It is not your fault,” and “You did not cause the abuse.”
- Being accepted and believed.
- Accompanying survivors to a law enforcement office (to file reports, take photos) and to a lawyer’s office.
- Following up and supporting them as needed on an ongoing basis.
- Assisting in childcare.
- Helping to identify resources and options (safety plans. domestic violence programs).
What Hurts:
- Being asked, “Why did/do you stay?”, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”, and “What did
you do to cause the fight?” - Breaking privacy and confidentiality
- Telling survivors what to do
- Not being believed
- Being judged or blamed
- Assisting for a short time without regards to the long-term needs and psychological effects.
Why They Stay or Return
At first they stay or return because:
- They love the partner.
- They think the abuser will change or they can change the abuser.
- They are embarrassed.
- They believe the partner loves them.
Finally they stay or return because:
- The abuser threatens to kill or take the children if they leave or do not return.
- They believe they have no option or choice.
- They have limited finances or resources.
- They have low self-esteem.
Safety Planning
Help them to:
- Have a personal safety plan.
- Learn to be positioned where they can get away if violence erupts.
- Practice how to get out of their home safely.
- Have a packed bag ready at a friend’s or relative’s house in order lo leave quickly.
- Pack a vehicle and house key, money and important papers.
Take Care of Yourself
- You’ll be able to help more if you take care of yourself while you’re helping a friend/family member.
- Don’t put yourself in danger!
- Meet in a safe place.
- Don’t get involved without giving it much thought.
- This could be a long-term involvement.
- Keep a hopeful and nonjudgmental attitude.
- You may need to call a domestic violence organization for support and guidance while supporting your friend/relative.
Survivor Rights
Help establish assertive behaviors by understanding that survivors have a right:
- To freedom from fear and abuse
- To anger over past abuse
- To choose to change the situation
- To request and expect assistance from police and social service agencies
- To want a better role model for children
- To leave the battering environment
- To privacy
- To express their own thoughts and feelings
- To develop their individual skills and abilities
- To prosecute the abuser or not participate in judicial proceedings
- Not not be perfect
Remember
Your success is not connected to whether or not the survivor leaves their abusive partner.
Accept that there are limitations in what you can do. You can be supportive but your friends/relatives must make their own decisions.